Sunshine isn't free

Crossroads of youth and wisdom, here in an ordinary kitchen

A girl (or woman) stands confused by the fridge

The change was expected, but she was still caught unaware

 

The cold concrete floor soaks through her fuzzy striped socks

Is the choice hers to make?

Or does time keep moving, keep pulling, keep luring her awake?

 

No, let’s sleep in the sunlight, let’s bathe on the beach

We’ll keep the sun on a string, paralyzed in the air

 

She always loved sunsets, but now the day is all blue

A deep dusk, the lights flicker on, a kindness from the night

Reminding those left outside to get home for the night

 

Why stand in the dark, the light switch is right there

But she hates the florescent, she wants the the sun

In flipping the switch, she’s admitting life’s not fair

 

Some people live in the night

They never got the chance to sun burn

Or sunbathe or drift in the waves

 

From birth, they stumble

Needing matches, then a wick

‘Til their lucky chance dies out again

 

But if you’ve always slept in the sunlight

You won’t understand the pain

Of scrambling, of bargaining

To turn the light on once again

 

Night comes for most of us, not all of us

Some in January or February

Or in our twenty eighth year

 

Violent wisdom, draped in violet gown

Reveals what the world is like when the sun goes down

If you don’t have a lamp or a candle or even a match

You’re stuck in one place grasping for the latch

 

Let me in, let me into the light

When I was a child, I took it for granted

The sun above and the rays all over me

 

But now I know there’s a price I must pay

Or by others before me who have led the way

1 truth, 3 lies

I’d turn down any room with a view

Just to spend one day with you

The way we were

 

Before I drowned you in dreams

Suffocation

By way of expectation

You were never heard

 

You told me the truth

But lied with your eyes,

Your heart, your soft grin

 

Forgetting you is like washing out a bloodstain again and again

A ride on white rock lake

Closing my eyes

A breeze glides over my skin

I block out the gymnasium

I’m back home again

 

On the loop around the lake

My mind retreats to the rhythm

Of up, down, up, down

Up, down, up

 

The gears click

And the slideshow begins

Cut to the towering oaks

Lawn chairs at sunset

Hemmed in by friends

 

Around the curve

Remember to brake

Before the light blinds the eyes

And I watch as I let

The ducks pass me by

 

Cut to the sidewalk

Lined with the cattails

Lakeshore lapping nearby

Calmly drifting, barely shifting

Reflecting afternoon sky

 

This is place of peace

Legs pumping, mind dumping

Shifting thoughts

And making space

 

I enhale the rushing air

It rustles through the clutter

Entering the room in my head

And pulling out a chair

 

Take a seat

Stop a beat

No need to be everywhere

 

Work will wait

Have some faith

You only have to be here

Saturday morning contruction

Pounding, screeching
A jack hammer begins its scream
Tearing at the sunshine
Drilling through my peace time
Dropping me mid-dream

A quiet morning in Beirut?
That was my real expectation
Hopeful, naïve anticipation
Trusting in the ever-present sun
Forgetting this city is always undone

But I can’t help it
The city is a mirage
People thirsty for old days
Dressed like it’s the good days
Chaos, wrapped in golden sun

Is the beauty enough?
When the jack hammer goes on screaming
And in the news I keep reading
Of rich people cheating
While the people keep pleading…

Hallas!
Enough.

So I turn up the music
To shut out the noise
Hoping the peace inside my headphones
Can steal me some joy

Leave me the hills flooded with light
And the olive grove bursting with life
I want the beauty
I hate the pain

If only I could sift through the struggle
Rebuild the castle from the rubble
Pull out the good people
Let the evil drift away

I can’t help crying
I see redemption in the sunlight
But why is it so far away?

For the weatherman

Sometimes I write to you as if you’re

Satisfactory

The perfect coat made in a factory

 

But you are more than warmth

Coverage, or cloth

 

You are the sun and stars

The wind and rain

 

Who needs a coat

When you know the weatherman himself

 

I’m sorry for praying for contentment

You’re more than enough

The fulfillment of my highest hopes

 

For you gave me your life, hope, and love

You are my good Father, friend, and savior

 

You are more than enough

You are everything

Burnout

Today –

Absolutely nothing went right

I struck the match again and again

Hoping something would light

 

The flame inside of me grew

Wild and ravenous

Seeking something to burn

Something other than me

 

But it ate me inside

Leaving me hollowed and black

And aching with the knowledge

Of all that I lack

Shut down

The screen in my hand is comfort

A quick shot of dopamine

Colors, textures, smiles, people to see

Each scroll is not enough

I keep going til I feel seen

 

A broken form of therapy

Easy relief from my thoughts and dreams

But it leaves me like a hangover

Discontent, dizzy, exhausted

An even deeper sense of being unseen

 

Why do I leave my Father on read?

Is it shame, laziness, a desire to stay dead

All of these, yes, but deeper still

My fear of what’s under the hood

Knowledge that I’m really no good

 

My Father says child, I know

I know who you are and will be

There’s nothing you can say

That will shake the love out of me

 

Please just talk to me.

Leaving tomorrow

I’m leaving tomorrow

Leaving my home with my piles of books

And the soft window light

Where someone who’s known me all my life

Makes coffee, ready at 6am

 

On Sunday morning

I’ll wake up all alone

Without a plan

Everyone I love on different time zones

Does anyone know

How scared I am?

 

Will they like me?

Will they help me?

Who is they?

 

The hardest part of leaving

Is not the change of place

But the change of people

 

I want to be loved

If not, at least liked

But how do I do that

When the rules have also changed

 

My girl, remember

I knit you together in your mother’s womb

Every hair on your head

And word from your pen

Is from me, your Father

 

On Sunday morning,

I’ll wake you up

Give you a plan

Worship me, trust me

Sing to me

I am who I am

 

Will you love me?

Will you trust me?

 

The best part of leaving

Is remembering

That I am who I say I am

 

You will know my people

By their love

So fear not, if you are liked

Because you are loved

It rained on errand day

When the rain beats down
And I had people to see and things to do
My instinct is to retreat

The world is enforcing its power on me
Reminding me I’m small
Powerless
That its waters are dangerous
I could slide off the road
Delay my plans

But when I’m overwhelmed by the world
Disappointed by people
Separated from tasks

The rain is a grateful embrace
Reminding me I’m human
Bound to earth
That the rain is more a part of me
Than the errors and pettiness of sin

The creator made the rain before he made me
To care for me
To care for His world
So it’s okay today
If you want to retreat from the rain

Maybe it’s caring for you
Sheltering you from the world and its
Harsh light
But maybe, you’re meant to
Step into the rain

Get absolutely, completely, perfectly
Drenched

Inspired by Deuteronomy 7:10-15

In America

Filled with cities we didn’t build or dream or kill

Eating crops we didn’t grow

Enjoying freedom we didn’t earn

We are sad

 

We think we have nothing

Though we choke on abundance

Treating our stomach pains

With more bread

 

We live in dread

Of a life without meaning

But spend all morning in bed

Hungover by the eternal scroll

 

We pursued other gods

Freedom, our queen

And comfort, our king

Filling the court with pastors

Of self-actualization

 

Take care lest you forget the Lord